Sheriff/Mayor Bryan Barnett rolled into town this week with questions that shook the very foundation of Rotary culture. While admitting we’re a great group, the Sheriff wondered just how “exciting and enticing” we really are to the next generation based on our song selections. He questioned whether any of our scholarship winners even know what a hickory stick was used for or could define a "tootsey wootsey" without consulting Google. Frankly, the room got a little nervous.
The Sheriff was pleased to spot former Poet Laureate Bob Lytle at yesterday’s Memorial Day celebrations in Rochester and Rochester Hills. Bob did a wonderful job reading poems. The Club responded with a warm round of applause. Unfortunately, applause quickly turned into penalties when the Sheriff announced that anyone unable to recite a Bob Lytle poem by heart owed $5. Let’s just say the treasury benefited greatly from literary illiteracy.
John Modetz also participated in Memorial Day activities. The Sheriff noted that if there’s a public gathering anywhere within a 50-mile radius, John will somehow find a business angle. “This guy’s going to get behind a celebration honoring the dead,” the Sheriff declared, “because it’s always about business for John!”
The Sheriff then welcomed Shirley Gofrank back for the summer. Shirley immediately grabbed the coveted 15th handshake and, without missing a beat, began recruiting an assembly line of unpaid Rotary workers needed to fill school supply bags like a tiny nonprofit dictator. Shirley was assessed a $10 fine unless she agreed to sing the MSU fight song. She declined, protected her dignity, and paid the fine. Smart choice.
Moving on to holiday festivities, Sheriff Barnett proudly unveiled his latest internet research. According to his highly scientific findings, more than 800 hot dogs are eaten every second on Memorial Day, totaling nearly 72 million hot dogs consumed in a single day. Honestly, no one asked for this information, but the Sheriff delivered it with the confidence of a TED Talk speaker.
Not stopping there, Sheriff Barnett also announced that 65% of Americans cook out on Memorial Day weekend. “Who cares?” asked absolutely everyone. The Sheriff cared. And if you cooked out, you owed $5. If you golfed over the holiday weekend, another $5. If you did yard work, yet another $5. Apparently, enjoying fresh air is now a punishable offense.
Jerry Carvey was celebrated for turning 92 and marking an astonishing 56 years as a Rotarian. The Sheriff declared that anyone under the age of 56 should be fined in honor of Jerry's many years of service. He also compared Jerry to David Attenborough because of Jerry’s love for the environment and the fact that he’s “nearly 100.” Jerry took it all in stride, mainly because he’s seen enough decades to know none of us are surviving this Sheriff report unscathed.
Finally, the Sheriff turned his attention to Jay Eastman’s “Hog Wild on the Keys” promotion, which he felt was seriously lacking effort this week. Jay wasn’t wearing a pig mask. He wasn’t sporting his wife’s hat. Frankly, the Sheriff accused him of completely mailing it in. Still, Jay insisted he was extremely excited about the upcoming pig roast. When asked whether his excitement level was worth a $5 or $10 fine, Jay dramatically slapped $20 on the table and declared he was “WAY more excited.” That kind of reckless enthusiasm is exactly how Rotary legends are born.
The Sheriff then pivoted into his wildly unnecessary but somehow fascinating “Today in History” segment.
Lewis and Clark first spotted the Rocky Mountains in 1805, reportedly calling them “the most beautiful and slightly terrifying view” they had ever seen. Sheriff Bryan decided that if you’ve ever seen the Rocky Mountains in person, it’s a $5 fine. Apparently, scenic tourism is now incriminating evidence.
Then we rolled into automotive history. On this day in 1927, the final Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line in Highland Park. Sheriff Barnett reminded everyone of Henry Ford’s famous quote: “You can have any color you want as long as your favorite color is black.” Which honestly sounds less like innovation and more like a dad refusing to learn about paint options.
The Sheriff then wandered completely off script to announce he had attended a mayoral event this weekend at The Henry Ford and Greenfield Village. He admitted he hadn’t been there in years and was shocked at how cool it still is. The Sheriff declared himself “inspired to go back,” which honestly sounded suspiciously emotional for someone fining people five bucks every thirty seconds.
Baseball history was next, because apparently, we hadn’t suffered enough. In 1959, Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Harvey Haddix threw 12 perfect innings and still lost the game in the 13th. The Sheriff asked if anyone remembered the game. Considering half the room wasn’t born yet, that felt aggressive. Still, if you’re a baseball fan, it’s $5.
And for the younger sports crowd, the Sheriff reminded everyone that on this day in 1993, Jose Canseco achieved baseball immortality when a fly ball bounced off his head and over the fence for a home run. Honestly, that clip still feels fake every time you watch it. If you laughed remembering it, probably another fine.
Then came celebrity birthdays. Stevie Nicks was born in 1948. Lenny Kravitz in 1964. Lauryn Hill in 1975. John Wayne in 1907. The Sheriff rattled them off like a human Wikipedia page fueled by black coffee and unchecked authority. Anyone who sang a Stevie Nicks song under their breath immediately looked financially nervous.
But the grand finale was pure civic pride chaos. Sheriff Barnett proudly announced that this past week, Rochester Hills was recognized by U.S. News & World Report as the #1 place to live in Michigan and the 7th best place to live in the entire United States. The Sheriff puffed up like he personally paved every road in the city.
He reminded everyone of his ongoing mission to make Rochester Hills “the premium place to live, work, and raise your family.” Then came the trap.
“If you live in Rochester Hills, raise your hand.” Hands went up.
“If you work in Rochester Hills, raise your hand.” More hands.
“If you raised your family in Rochester Hills…” At this point, people should have known better, but Rotary optimism is a dangerous thing.
Then the Sheriff went full courtroom executioner: “If you’ve ever even DRIVEN THROUGH Rochester Hills, everybody’s got their hand up — it’s $5!”
Thanks to Sheriff Barnett's creative enforcement and Carol Franciosi's efforts to empty the Rotarian of the week trophy, we raised an additional $312 for our scholarship program! Remember, these “fines” are all in good fun and serve a great purpose: building camaraderie and raising funds for our charitable efforts, especially scholarships. Let’s continue living out the Rotary motto, "Service Above Self," with enthusiasm, punctuality, and a healthy dose of Rochester Rotary pride and humor!
SPEAKER
Blake McLellan ceremoniously passed the trophy on to Carol Franciosi in recognition of her Rotary leadership. Carol was then tasked with emptying the trophy so the money could be deposited into the Charities account. Simple enough, right? Wrong. Apparently, retrieving cash from this trophy requires the patience of a saint and possibly a degree in engineering. After a spirited struggle, Carol finally succeeded — with a little backup from Blake himself.
Jay Eastman delivered one final enthusiastic pitch for 
Guests are encouraged, and several members have already reserved tables for groups of 8, 9, and 10. Sponsorship opportunities are also available for $100 for those unable to attend. 
Bob Lytle was this week's song leader and started out by celebrating our scholarship winners with School Days. There were questions as to whether Phil Lowman was ever a barefoot, bashful beau. We finished the singing portion of the meeting by singing In the Good Old Summer Time.
Siddh Sheth, seen here with his father Amit, received a $1,500 Paul Harris Scholarship, which is renewed for up to four times. 
Kolleen Whang, also graduating from Stoney Creek High School, will attend New York University this fall, where she plans to study Biology and Biochemistry on the pre-med track. Kolleen shared that her interest in medicine grew from a fascination with surgery and anatomy, noting that experiences such as dissections only strengthened her desire to pursue a career as a physician.